Your face is a jimmy john
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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