trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
