i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
