When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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