I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
