dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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