I faked an abortion last night.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
