Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
