I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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