yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
