so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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