My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
