Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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