Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
