sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
