I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
