Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
