I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
