i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
