the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just gift wrapped bread.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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