i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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