So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
