either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
my liver is dry heaving
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
