It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dicks are not precious.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
