How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
