i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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