have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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