So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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