I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
