I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
There's even glitter on my cock...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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