Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
