terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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