I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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