i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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