remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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