So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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