Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
