i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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