I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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