I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
