I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
