Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
