So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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