I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
