Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
