I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
