That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
