I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
