i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
