Define "chronic" masturbator.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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